3 Ways to Overcome a Fear of Rejection

June 4, 2015June 4, 2015Leave a comment

No doubt, we all burn to belong.

Makes sense…considering we were made for relationship…to put on love and commune in harmony (Romans 12:16; 1 Corinthians 1:10, Colossians 3:14).

But let’s be honest…such desires aren’t always realized, are they.

Relocations…busyness…life changes…even the walls we put up…cycle through as hindrances interfering with our need to find unity in community.

Yet, perhaps the greatest obstacle we face when we talk about healthy relationships is the fear of rejection¹.

Now, I admit: I’m still progressing through my own set of relational insecurities. But while I may have much to learn, I’ve also grown a great deal having persevered through idolatrous pursuits of acceptance in my early 20’s , in addition to recent challenges as a bivocational minister.

So when I say a fear of rejection is one of the most paralyzing strongholds, you can take my word to the bank.

As far as dealing with this fear type, you’ve probably heard much on the topic already.

Yet, for bivocationals juggling multiple responsibilities on the fly, it’s worth re-emphasizing given fear’s tendency to find its way on the backburner.

Thus, in the spirit of stirring awareness, here are three practical ways to conquer a fear of rejection:

1) Own it.

Statistics show the vast majority of what people worry about is either vain (false reality) or beyond their control (false expectations). In most cases, we fear once we sense a loss of control on a desirable outcome. For example, we want people to like us, but find we lack “chemistry”. We want to be living our dream, but find our reality is far from it. We want to reap securities, but find all we have is fractured hope.

No question, the chasms are real; however, this doesn’t mean we’re chained to them until the bridge forms. Why? Because it’s only when we relinquish our lust for control we start to conquer our fears.

So next time you find yourself fearing rejection, questioning your fit, place, image, safety..or that of a loved one, own it, surrender the stress, pray the Word, embrace self-control, and faint not.

2) Reject it.

Sometimes, we treat fear like a giant game of dodgeball. We think if we can just finagle through life without getting hit, then we’ll be okay. The problem with this idea is…at some point, you will get hit, if not with the fear, then the temptation of it.

The best way to combat fear, especially the fear of rejection, is to value what equips you. ‘Cause when you realize you have what it takes to overcome, you won’t hesitate to stand your ground when the dodgeballs start flyin’, not to mention you’ll be in position to catch and dispatch them.

Just remember: When a fear of rejection is elevated to the point of dodging certain people and situations, you’re ultimately giving it the power to manipulate your emotions and decisions. Instead, why not dare to be a conqueror (Romans 8:37) and reject fear rather than let fear do the rejecting²?

3) Replace it.

Perhaps one of the most misinterpreted passages in all of Scripture is 1 Peter 4:8: “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” At first glance, we may think Peter is suggesting love cancels out certain offenses; however, when we dissect the text, we find love, in this context, is a covering, more specifically…an opportunity for us to confront³, forgive, and press on in love-soaked honesty.

How does this apply to a fear of rejection? Well, for starters, the opposite of love is fear (not hate). Furthermore, love must speak truth (Ephesians 4:15) and requires action with respect to sin. Thus, if we value honesty as the first step of love⁴ and recognize fear as a reciprocating response, then we’ll realize how a) a fear of rejection numbs us to what we were created for⁵and b) the absence of fear is not the endgame, but rather the beginning!

In other words, if you want to move on the right way, but are still burdened by a fear of rejection, don’t just recognize and renounce it. Rather, take the next step and ask God specifically how He wants you to replace it!

‘Cause when you do, you’ll not only discover a new commitment to communicate the truth in love, but also unlock a stronger fear of Him⁶.

Footnotes

1) Note: Initially, I had planned to write this piece on the fears of rejection and mediocrity; however, I’ve since decided to split this up into two parts, with today’s discussion focusing on the fear of rejection and next week’s feature on the fear of mediocrity.

2) There’s basically two responses to fear: “Forget everything and run” or “Face everything and rise”

3) …without taking offense

4) Inspired by Steve Fry’s sermon at The Gate Community Church on Sunday, May 31

5) Seriously…what sense does it make to forfeit even the potential for relational restoration and/or clarity in exchange for passive living, isolation, guilt, and dissatisfaction.

6) As honesty abounds, you’ll find a fear of rejection will confound.

Photo credits: shifttohappy.com

5 Inspired Lessons for Today’s Youth Pastors

May 22, 2015October 31, 2018Leave a comment

We live in a time when the church is radically changing, a reality no more evident than among today’s youth. Yet, while the challenge may seem intimidating, when we, as youth pastors, seek to better understand the times, we can discover powerful truth and application.

Granted, it’d take a year and a day to unpack them all so for now, let’s focus on five inspired lessons for today’s youth pastor…

1) Understand the boundaries of social media

It’s no secret today’s youth live and die by social media. Perhaps you’ve noticed more of your youth defining their identity by how many Facebook likes, selfie comments, or Instagram followers they have.

Regardless, it’s critical we, as Generation Z youth leaders, understand how to use modern technology and social media in living the question, “How can I reach more people with the love of Christ?”

As I told our youth several times, the gravity of social media is self-centeredness if we’re looking to it for affirmation; however, if we choose to exude confidence in who we are in Christ, we allow social media to be the encouragement tool it was meant to be.

2) Don’t take peoples’ prolonged absences personally

If you’ve been in ministry long enough, you’ve probably noticed some families checking out for extended periods with little to no communication. Naturally, when this happens, our first instinct is to wonder why; however, as hard as it may be, it’s critical we not take their absences personally.

For one thing, just because you’re a minister doesn’t mean you’re entitled to know every intimate detail of a person’s life. Furthermore, church commitment can’t always be measured in attendance. The reality is life gets crazy and for some, a breather from church can be of benefit.

I remember during my second year as youth pastor when a family disappeared for months without any heads up. Without any leads or intel, the head-scratching was real. “What triggered this? Did something happen? What can be done,” I often thought.

However, after a get-real prayer time with God, it hit me: my role was not to maintain them, but to sustain them…not to keep them in church, but en-couraged!

You see, up until that point, I had been interpreting withdrawal as a function of ego…as if someone else’s distance was my fault; however…

…once I surrendered the right to fully understand outside situations, only then was I able to find the balance between letting go and reaching out.

3) Integrate youth leaders into communication

No question, one of the most exhausting tasks of any youth pastor is getting everyone on the same page. I’m sure many of you at some point have wondered, “Even when I communicate face to face, I have to repeat myself over and over again!”

However, as frustrating the struggle may be, when we filter this challenge through the question, “How can I reach more people with the love of Christ”, we discover how empowering youth to connect with peers can improve communication.

I recall a youth leadership meeting during which my student leaders discussed this issue having realized the need for a better internal and external communication process. As they decided, for the internal process, each youth leader would receive a monthly contact list of sick, struggling, or frequently absent youth to text or call. Likewise, with the external process, each youth leader would invite a friend at school (or outside the leadership core) into the promotion of community events. In this way, not only could adult leaders focus more on parental/professional communication, but also youth could share in the responsibility while fortifying relational bridges as disciple-makers.

One of my favorite examples of this took place when our youth teamed up with the children’s ministry in a recent vacation Bible school promotion outreach. At first, all participants met at the church to pray and inquire of the Lord where to go and who to target. Then, after reaching a spiritual consensus, we broke into groups dispersing into different parts of the city from nearby apartment complexes to local businesses, strip malls, and parks.

From a PR and publicity perspective, the outreach was a huge success resulting in the most attended VBS in our church’s history; however, for our youth, no question bonding with younger peers while recognizing their value in community service left the greatest impressions.

4) Don’t stress about relationships

It’s inevitable. At some point, boy meets girl, boy asks girl out, and before you know it…bam! You have a dating relationship along with endless gossip fodder on your hands. As some of you can attest, the stewardship of purity can be a hard road to navigate from anxious parents and their content expectations to distracted youth and their thirst for acceptance.

Yet, it’s in these circumstances we must remember our role is not to parent but to partner with parents in extending their standards. As you’ll inevitably find, not only will this establish trust between pastor and parent, but also empower the parent to love as Jesus loves and the youth to love what Jesus loves. Not to mention the door will be opened for healthy dialogue to take place regularly.

For instance, during my third year as youth pastor, one of my youth worship leaders started a dating relationship with a fellow youth leader. At first, I felt zero qualms about the development, but gradually, I noticed an uptick in PDA and subsequently, my discomfort in how it could potentially translate. Eventually, a youth parent called me up asking why I wasn’t doing anything to ‘snuff the flame’ out. In response, I told him my responsibility wasn’t to parent, but rather invite the parents involved into the conversation of helping these youth live above reproach.

As it turned out, after discussing the matter with the appropriate parties, each side came away with a better scriptural understanding of what stewarding physical affection looks like.

5) It’s not about quantity, but quality

How many of you have ever been asked “How big is your youth group”? Probably a number of times, right?

Yet, while the question may seem shallow, we must remember:

Faithfulness is not a function of church size.
The purpose of church is commissioning community¹, not boasting numbers.

If you ask me, I’d rather have 10 passionate youth who understand the Spirit-led life, versus 50 youth looking to be entertained on their weekly pit stop.

After all, pastoring youth is all about cultivating a Gospel-driven culture, not an agenda-driven ministry².

Selah.

Footnotes

1) Specifically, community extending the territory of God’s presence

2) Cultivating a place where God’s presence can be known (i.e. demonstrating heaven on earth) is our purpose. Thus, it doesn’t make sense to elevate any pursuit above serving the body in a way the Kingdom is expressed.

Photo credits: whoworship.com, cbbc.com, chastity.com

4 Truths For When You Feel Purposeless

May 20, 2015June 4, 2015Leave a comment

Have you ever wondered what to do when you feel like you’re not making a difference? When you’re striving to find meaning on the conveyor belt of life?

Perhaps you’ve questioned whether or not your life’s present lines up with your purpose…if you’re on the right path with the right people.

If you have, then congratulations! You’re absolutely, positively human.

Granted, such questions contain universal relevance; however, it’s still important to know how to answer them when they surface.

‘Cause truth is: The bivocational life can feel like is a jungle…with doubt, a quicksand of the mind. But with the Word in hand along with the proper tools, even the toughest terrain can be ‘macheted’ through¹.

So ultimately, this lesson is as much preparation as it is exploration.

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As I’ve mentioned before, I’m not a fan of my day job.

How I’m wired, what fuels me, what I’m aiming for…couldn’t be further from my current occupational residency.

Not to mention, I work in an environment where I’m like a modern David running away from a bunch of Saul’s with spears in their hands¹.

You talk about not feeling like you make a difference. Let’s just say I’m there.

However…this doesn’t mean my place at my job is a mistake (as I’ll later address next month).

Rather, it simply means I’ve bought into the following truths…

1) God has a flawless purpose for everyone…

Scriptures: Jeremiah 29:11, Romans 8:28, Proverbs 16:9, Isaiah 58:11

2) Some seasons are supposed to be ridiculously challenging…

Scriptures: Psalm 66:10, Zechariah 13:9, Romans 9:21, Isaiah 64:8

3) Being stretched beyond bandwidth is best seen as a compliment from God…

Scriptures: 1 Corinthians 10:13, 2 Corinthians 9:8, Hebrews 12:6, James 1:2-4, Romans 5:1-5

4) Our identity isn’t rooted in what we do.

Scriptures: John 1:12, Ephesians 1:5, Genesis 1:27, Jeremiah 1:5, 1 Peter 2:9

Thus, we don’t have to accept the chains our circumstances offer us. We don’t have to live in trepidation just because of someone’s sick prejudice. And we don’t have to waste our breath grilling God for mispositioning us when we can anchor our trust in the fact He always knows what He’s doing.

Why? ‘Cause trust is not dependent on having the answers; it’s dependent on believing the one Who does.

And I’m telling you, friends…when you remove entitlement from the equation³, there’s no doubt in my mind you will see differently.

So be encouraged to embrace God’s sovereignty and marinate in His faithfulness.

‘Cause when you do, you’ll not only defeat deceptive feelings of purposelessness, but you’ll also discover the ways you can make a difference and leave a legacy even in the deserts and wildernesses of life. Furthermore, you’ll cultivate greater steadfastness in the face of temptation, especially the desire to prematurely quit⁴.

So if you’re strugglin’ today feeling worthless, stuck in the mud or frozen at a crossroads in zero visibility…faint not (Galatians 6:9), resist vain comparisons (Galatians 5:26)…and know the indescribable has made you indescribably.

Stay tuned next time when we’ll tackle our second question: How do you cope with the fears of rejection and mediocrity?

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Footnotes

1) We can’t control the setting we’re in, but we can control how we ready ourselves and respond in the wake of discouragement

2) Nothing like people conspiring against you to test the depth of your character

3) When you abandon the “right” to understand the way you see fit

4) For all you bivocationals out there…this is arguably the greatest lesson we can learn outside the two greatest commandments

Photo credits: ignant.de & finemind.com

Bivocational Profile: The Road Warrior

May 17, 2015June 12, 2015Leave a comment

Meet Pastor Randy. Pastor Randy is the associate pastor at Your Community Church. He assists the senior pastor in project coordinating, oversees house church and new member ministries…and is regarded as one of the nicest people in town.

Yet, despite his warm nature, Pastor Randy is a mystery man, with bivocational obligations keeping his church attendance in check.

Truth is: Randy is a road warrior…an aerial champion who travels heavily to meet the requirements of his personnel recruiter position. Unfortunately, due to his loaded schedule, his influence is somewhat hindered by limited availability.

No doubt, Randy is committed and takes his ministerial responsibility seriously. For instance, Randy will use his “down time” at an airport or hotel to catch up on weekly correspondences with church members and staff.

However, Randy finds it hard to keep pace relationally and organizationally, as he’s often the last staff member to receive important updates (If only they use ‘Slack’). Furthermore, since Randy often misses out on opportunities to offer timely insight, the majority of church attendees aren’t aware of his spiritual giftings.

Randy has a devoted wife and a couple rambunctious kids who hold down the fort while he’s away. When he’s not on the road, Randy loves soaking up quality time with family and friends, whether it’s at the movie theater or serving the homeless at his local community center.

Challenges:

Limited availability.
Tendency to over-rely on technology versus in-person interaction.
Little time for family and peers due to heavy workload outside of church.
Has little time to directly develop and mentor.
Struggles to communicate from the road.
Often feels invisible.

Opportunities:

Is able to inspire others by a relentless and disciplined work ethic.
Has stable job to provide for family.
Is gifted in building meaningful connections with people wherever he’s at.
Has the tools to inspire people, even at a distance.
Character constantly refined by “real world” experiences and challenges.

The challenge is real…and so are the opportunities. Do you fit into this profile? What are some other challenges or opportunities you have encountered? Share in the comments below.

Photo credits: travisallendot.com & pixgood.com.

There’s an App for That: Slack

May 14, 2015August 1, 20151 Comment

Slack is a wonderful means of alternative communication. As bivocationals, it is important to stay connected and communicate with other staff and volunteers at any given time. Slack serves as a hybrid between texting and chat, allowing you to access the same channel of communication from your computer and your phone. This handy app not only allows instantaneous communication, but also facilitates document sharing, searchable conversations and syncs with interfaces like DropBox. Just like Wunderlist (teaser) and Evernote, it is accessible across all of your devices (phone, computer and tablet) and will send push notifications according to your customization to both your phone and e-mail.

Some of handy features available are:

Searchable channels (up to 10,000 messages in the free version)
Functional channel hierarchy with multiple top level channels and channels for specific discussions/participants
Direct private messaging
Multiple integrations
Simple drag and drop functionality for attachments

If you are looking for an app to keep you connected and up to date, this is it. Like Evernote, this is a freemium product that is wonderful in it’s free form and has some great upgrades in the paid version, including unlimited storage and searching.

You know the features now, but how can it be practically applied to ministry?

Why…I am so glad you asked! 😉

1) Staff Communication

Maybe you are on staff with a church where others are full time. This can make communication difficult. Mass texts are great, but texts are only as good your most recent messages. E-mail is also handy, but lets face it: when you are bivocational, you are probably juggling at least three different e-mails and things can get lost. By utilizing Slack as a means of communication, all information is centralized and customizable. You can have a general channel that everyone is part of. This is a great place for questions and announcements, such as “We need to tear down the youth room for the fellowship dinner after service”. You can also set up specific channels. Say you have a team working on the 4th of July picnic. Simply create a channel and add the needed people. They will immediately have access to the thread from within their Slack app. If there is a new message, it will be highlighted. Not to mention, the search bar will search all conversations, making it extremely easy to find that message from last month with the cleaning schedule.

2) Volunteer Communication

In the same way you set up Slack for those on your church staff, you can create a channel for your volunteer team as well. Send invites to all of your volunteer team and set up a general channel. This is a great way to get out information, send out sign up sheets or even collaborate on graphic design. Let’s say you have a team within that team that focuses on connecting with church members throughout the week. You can make a channel for that. Or maybe you are a youth pastor and you’ve got a couple who are helping to coordinate a youth lock-in. Set up a channel for that and keep it out of the general flow. The beautiful thing is you can add yourself to every channel and get quick updates on where things are by simply clicking on a channel, even if you are not directly part of the discussion.

I am sure there are plenty of ways Slack can be used, these just happen to be the most basic options. Check it out and see if it doesn’t help streamline your life.

Can you think of any other ways Slack can be a valuable resource? Are you already using it and have some best practices? Share them in the comments below.