Category: Life

Waiting on a Miracle: A Juju Journey Sneak Peak

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As I continue to work on Juju’s book, I wanted to share one of my new excerpts. Still making progress one piece at a time…

One of my favorite first quarter moments of Jubilee’s life came during her transfer from Centennial Women’s Hospital to Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital. As 2022 dawned, hopes were high this move would help improve her health thanks to a more structured environment. After all, more screens, new equipment, and seasoned staff could only accelerate the healing.

Yet, for the rest of the family, we needed a spark as well. As they say, desperate times call for desperate measures and in seasons of chaos, you have to take what you can get, even if that special something is animated fiction. Hence, our corporate satisfaction when we watched the new Disney classic, Encanto, for the first time. As if God had orchestrated the timing just for us, the movie centers on a single word with a multitude of meanings, some good, some bittersweet. That word…

…was ‘miracle’.

Before Jubilee, if someone mentioned ‘miracle’ in conversation, Lyssah and I would have responded favorably upon knowing the context. Based on our belief, signs and miracles are still relevant today as authored by a sovereign God. While man often yearns for a miracle on specific terms, the purpose of any heaven meets earth miracle, even if delayed or unforeseen, is perfect. Sure, we may not understand the breadth and scope of the parameters, but I mean, isn’t that one of the fundamental conditions of any miracle in that it could look differently than what we expect? Shouldn’t a miracle be transcendent, mysterious, and challenge us to consider the benevolent hands of an almighty God? Or are we so jealous and zealous to assess the unexplainable with explicable rationale?

Frankly, the reason we sometimes fail to see God in our midst is because we haven’t cultivated the sensitivity required to sense His presence. Like the Sadducees and Jewish priests, we have in our minds a checklist of what must happen in our favor for God to be true to who He says He is. We think His love, goodness, any tangential trait is contingent upon us having proof of Him hearing us when the fact is God hears us through the cries of humble prayer. In other words, how we ask of God reveals what we believe of God. So, when we pray for a specific outcome in ‘miracle or bust’ fashion, we ultimately weaken the hope we crave by making it conditional. And for what? To feel in control? To have the assurance of being on the right path doing all that we can?

Having spent 393 days in the NICU, I can confirm the depths of desperation that flood those halls. What’s less certain is the integrity of their hope or as I like to say, the width of their anticipation. For Lyssah and I, we not only approached each day as if it was Juju’s last but considered the pathways of her life and the ways God could use each outcome. Were our prayers anchored in health and life in abundance? Of course! However, we also knew to pray what Jesus prayed in Gethsemane: Not my will but yours be done. So, while we were in unprecedented territory, striving to care for an afflicted daughter, we knew we could only see a sliver of God’s infinite perspective. This is why trusting God became more effortless the more we kept in a prayerful rhythm. Whenever we caught ourselves wanting God’s will to conform to our requests, we called on God in our weakness recognizing any display of spiritual discipline was for His glory and to His credit.

Back to Encanto. If you’ve seen the movie, you know the story of Mirabel, who in an enchanted home full of gifted family members, is the only ordinary member. Although she strives for her Abuela’s approval, she struggles to find acceptance based on receiving a gift from Casita, the family house and source of the magic. Accordingly, she grows up feeling inferior wondering why the magic passed her by. No question, her grief is no greater captured than in the song, ‘Waiting on a Miracle’. Take a look at these lyrics:

I can’t move the mountains
I can’t make the flowers bloom
I can’t take another night up in my room
Waiting on a miracle
I can’t heal what’s broken
Can’t control the morning rain or a hurricane
Can’t keep down the unspoken invisible pain
Always waiting on a miracle, a miracle
All I need is a change
All I need is a chance
All I know is I can’t stay on the side
Open your eyes, open your eyes, open your eyes
I would move the mountains
Make new trees and flowers grow
Someone please just let me know, where do I go?
I am waiting on a miracle, a miracle
I would heal what’s broken
Show this family something new
Who I am inside, so what can I do?
I’m sick of waiting on a miracle, so here I go
I am ready, come on, I’m ready
I’ve been patient, and steadfast, and steady
Bless me now as you blessed us all those years ago
When you gave us a miracle
Am I too late for a miracle?

You talk about a heart cry in anguish. Of all the Disney movies in which the protagonist confronts her despair, Encanto arguably takes the top spot.

Moments after this confession, a mystical danger emerges and threatens to eradicate the magic. That’s when Mirabel summons the courage to not only rise above her despair but also restore order and unite divided family members, reminding them the miracle is not the gift but the giftee as part of the overall family journey.

Why is this important? Because the movie confirms an aspect of how God works His wonder. Specifically, a miracle isn’t limited to answered prayer since a miracle is not about what we get over but what we get through. In His Word, God doesn’t promise us we’ll get over everything but He does promise we’ll get through anything. In our case with Jubilee, while our prayers for her to survive the NICU and make it home did not materialize, as our hearts healed, we learned to see her miracle as the impact she made on the thousands of lives, including us, shattering medical expectations and probabilities along the way.

Yet, even if she hadn’t survived past day one, the miracle of her life would have still been clinched. For even as we contended with God in our pain, He enlarged our capacity to sense the sweetness of His nearness, His tender hand holding ours. Were there some days we were beyond angry? Absolutely. There may have been a choice word or two. But in the end, we recognized God as the one who gives purpose, resets our perspective, and redeem fallenness and fallen spirits alike during moments, especially in seasons of grief.

————————————————————————————————————————————————

Even with Mirabel and Abuela reconciling at the end of Encanto, the question still remains for those who feel they lost a miracle with their child’s passing. Surely, I’m not alone when I say it’s easy to feel alone though the Bible speaks to the contrary.

For instance, I believe whole-heartedly in Isaiah 41:10 but struggled to believe it fully after Jubilee’s death.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

In my mind, the truth had become conditional, like an expired contract or coupon. At one point God was strengthening us, helping us, imparting the supernatural, but not anymore, or so I thought. With no more life to sustain, the upholding felt more like withholding. Deep down, I knew God was still God, but couldn’t connect the dots of a passage once absolute, now more theoretical. At some point, I had to accept my belief process as the primary problem, specifically in God’s upholding hand being a dependent variable.

In our case, God’s ability and capacity to keep Jubilee alive had become a middle wheel teetering on the edge of legalistic perspective. In desperation, we prayed without ceasing and never stopped believing in God’s wonder working power; however, there were some days we felt the fear of what would happen if we stopped. As such, our faith, incomplete as it was, sometimes served as a false catalyst, subconsciously greasing the true wheel of God’s sovereign hand. On days Jubilee was doing well, God had his foot more firmly on the gas petal. On days she was struggling, He may or may not have been waiting for us to press in and request some aspect of His nature to intervene.

Thankfully, the reality of Isaiah 41:10’s conclusion eventually found us to awaken alignment. For the upholdings of God are not subject to words and beliefs of man. By no means, is God in any way driven by our righteousness, given any earthly display is a direct reflection of the divine in the first place. When Isaiah says God will strengthen, help, and uphold you, he’s not suggesting these actions are chained to outcomes but rather the eternal, perpetual essence of His nature. If there is a joy to grab hold of within this verse, it’s the steadfastness of His hand in all situations. As Lys and I wrestle through our grief, we realized the tangibility of God’s constancy is just as much in the heartbreak of disappointment, if not more so, than its prelude. With the Beatitudes in mind, when hearts and heads are heavy-laden, that is when God’s upholdings are at their best so we can sense Jesus saying ‘Come to me’, so we can hear His call.

Does this sound like we’re alone? As if a fear of loneliness has a legitimate place?

I didn’t think so. In no realm are we truly alone, despite what the NICU may tempt us to believe. True, the hospital halls can seem like a secluded place where we feel fight our battles alone. But that’s when we must remember and believe God’s Word. As Point of Grace once sung, when it looks like you’ve lost it all and you haven’t got a prayer, Jesus will still be there. Hence, why we fight the good fight of faith and confess the goodness of God (1 Timothy 6:12) in all situations so those who lack hope will see a glimmer of it.

I suppose that’s one of the key silver linings in Juju’s life. As she fought against all odds, she compelled us to see God amidst the chaos and challenged us to appreciate the trials in real time. Just as light shines brighter in darkness, so does perspective sharpen during adversity. If I’m dealing with greater pain, whether physically, spiritually, or emotionally, so must I desire God to be greater. So must I crave His presence and peace as crooked roads are made straight. And the choice for us can be a net encouragement in perceiving NICU stress as a way to desire God the right way, a purifier of our thirst for ‘more’ of God.

Perhaps this is why I love the redemptive conclusion of Encanto. For starters, we shouldn’t want more of God’s magic to sustain the miracle of health. Rather, we should perceive the miracle as Trinitarian life, life that was, life that is, and life that will be. Trust me, I get how hard it is to accept this truth when our precious candles have burned out. Yet, as dear to our hearts our offspring may be, the miracle goes beyond the flesh and touches the divine in ways that daily inspire. Just as mothers carry the DNA of her children for the rest of her life, so too can we sustain the memory of God’s sustaining us in our darkest hours.

We carry on not because we want to be carried but because the carry is imminent. This is the paradigm shift any NICU parent must embrace when they inevitably question whether God will strengthen them in moments of weakness.

Selah.

Cover graphic creds: Disney Wiki

Grow ⬆️ Up: A Call for Us in 2024 (Part 1)

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After a disappointing 2023, I’ve been pondering pathways for maturation in recent weeks. Often, when we come off a down year, we take inventory of what went wrong and why; however, let’s be honest: How frequently do we integrate prayer and counsel into the pathways we set?

In my case, 2023 was a story of transition and survival, a season in which healing, stability, and community struggled to gain traction. On several occasions, Lys and I were compelled to question things that shouldn’t have happened, the silence we experienced from some of our social spheres atop the list.¹

To add insult to injury, life in last year’s office space wasn’t any better. Having arguably been moved to the wrong team to start the year, I found myself in an occupational Pandora’s Box, stuck on an island yet trapped within a cubical greenhouse – the air free for some but borderline toxic for others.² Consequently, I fell out of certain rhythms of health and behavior that in a typical year would have been evident.

Now, to be fair, a mulligan makes sense given how Lys and I were rung through the ringer in 2021 and 2022. Still, as one beat up from those years, I shouldn’t have matched any time I sensed an attitude shift or withdrawal, writing off some as casualties of what I couldn’t control. Oh, if I could go back, I would and hand on shoulder, remind that Cam to shun the numbness. I guess that’s why they say hindsight is a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply.

Yet, despite these dissatisfactions, I’ve been hungry to convert brokenness into something good, something healthy, something authentic. After all, that’s the magic of a new year and why I’ve been stirred to fast regarding the year ahead. ‘Cause truth is: I don’t want to come anywhere near who and where I was last year. Perhaps some of you can relate having been pressed without precedence in recent years?

Either way, as I finalize this internal audit, I celebrate the changes being made but also understand receiving fresh grace and compassion can be arduous without a game-plan, especially without daily forgiveness and surrender.

Which brings me to why I’m writing this. During the past few days, a phrase has been activating in my spirit, like a banner of the heart being raised to the rafters. Chances are you’ve heard these words, albeit in negative connotations as standard for most. Unburying the lead, these words I present are not only a motto for the year but something we should all aspire to each day we live and breathe. 

What I’m saying is… 

As Matthew 5:48 says, “You’re kingdom [agents, ambassadors representing God’s ministry of reconciliation]. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you.” (MSG)

But Cam, how do we get there? How do we connect the dots between our ‘loved by God’ identity and the discouragement we feel chained to? 

First, you must return to the Father heart of God:

“I’m not writing all this as a neighborhood scold to shame you. I’m writing as a father to you, my children. I love you and want you to grow up well, not spoiled. There are a lot of people around who can’t wait to tell you what you’ve done wrong, but there aren’t many fathers willing to take the time and effort to help you grow up. It was as Jesus helped me proclaim God’s Message to you that I became your father. I’m not, you know, asking you to do anything I’m not already doing myself.” ~ 1 Corinthians 4:14-16 (MSG)

After marinating in the Father’s warmth, embrace His intent for you to discover His love and how it can help you redirect or mature in specific ways, each according to His likeness:

“God wants us to grow up, to know the whole truth and tell it in love—like Christ in everything. We take our lead from Christ, who is the source of everything we do. He keeps us in step with each other. His very breath and blood flow through us, nourishing us so that we will grow up healthy in God, robust in love. ~ Ephesians 4:14-16 (MSG)

Next, detach (or distance yourself) from unhealthy people and situations weighing your faith down:

“Don’t tolerate people who try to run your life, ordering you to bow and scrape. They’re completely out of touch with the source of life, Christ, who puts us together in one piece, whose very breath and blood flow through us. He is the Head and we are the body. We can grow up healthy in God only as he nourishes us.” ~ Colossians 2:18-19 (MSG)

Replace childlike impulses with childlike faith, innocence, even curiosity in the ways of the Spirit:

“So come on, let’s leave the preschool fingerpainting exercises on Christ and get on with the grand work of art. Grow up in Christ. The basic foundational truths are in place: turning your back on “salvation by self-help” and turning in trust toward God; baptismal instructions; laying on of hands; resurrection of the dead; eternal judgment. God helping us, we’ll stay true to all that. But there’s so much more. Let’s get on with it!” ~ Hebrews 6:1-3 (MSG)

Finally, clean house! Once you’ve repented of your shortcomings, renounced any agreements with the enemy, and prayed God’s highest to cover your soul hurts, declare thanksgiving to God, over your family, and for Him to anoint the stepping stones on which you’re called to walk.

“Make a clean sweep of malice and pretense, envy, and hurtful talk. You’ve had a taste of God. Now, like infants…drink deep of God’s pure kindness. Then you’ll grow up mature and whole in God.” ~ 1 Peter 2:1-3 (MSG)

Final disclaimer: While this list is a mere guide and doesn’t represent all the steps you need to take to correct course, I encourage you to seek the Lord to discern how He wants you to facilitate the fireplaces of your hearts in 2024. Ask yourself: “What agreements and unholy packs need to be broken off? What dead weights do I need to cut ties with? What pursuits do I need to put on the backburner, at least for a short time? In what ways should I reprioritize my time, energy, and investments? In what ways do I need to make right with my neighbor? Is there any clear peace or lack thereof in any category of life? Do I sense any open doors or change in direction? If so, who is leading me? More importantly, what or who is the source of my fire? And if I’m not burning, what is getting in the way?

While the answers will vary, understand even in your weakness and weakest, He is strength and strongest. Somehow, someway, you will feel the sweet release of reset and recalibration; however, be advised you can’t get there without effort, intentionality, and reposturing.

During my next post, I will share some additional insight on how to level up at work with these paradigm filters applied. Until then, you got this! Go forth and go get ‘em…in Jesus’ name.

Selah.

Graphic creds: Vecteezy; sermon by Ian Gilchrist (preached at One Church Home on 1/7/24)

Footnotes

  1. Note: I can’t speak for everyone, but I imagine some of you who’ve lost a loved one can relate to the social leprosy incurred after-the-fact. More on this subject later, though in the meantime, dear church, as far as it be with you, please be the church unconditionally.
  2. Friends, if you taste rejection concerning who you’re called to be, what you bring to the table, etc., do not clap the dust off your sandals prematurely. Rather, stay consistent to team expectations, honor authorities and colleagues, and keep both hands on the plow until you’ve reached the finish line. Again, more on ideal exit strategy once full stock has been taken.

Sovereignty in Suffering: Why God Heals and Sometimes Doesn’t

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Why does God heal some people and not others?

I’m combing through the archives, realizing I haven’t touched this question yet, at least head on. And I suppose part of my hesitancy is due to many answers rightfully citing God’s sovereignty, but in a borderline cringe-worthy way, if that makes sense, when you know the answer is correct but by incomplete, even insensitive means.

To those who have lost loved ones, the world not only needs to know the answer but how you specifically arrived there. As a former math undergrad, I can’t help but want to show my work. Even if I’m slightly off, a transparent step-by-step can be revealing for the better.

Without further ado, let’s dive in…

As teased above, the general issue I have in tackling this topic is the popular phrasing of the question, ‘Why God allows suffering…or bad things to happen’. A simple Google search is testament to many people not wanting the accountability that comes with free will as those loved by God yet born into sin. Before we can break down God’s sovereignty into what God allows versus doesn’t allow, one must know who God is.

For the purposes of this post, we’re going to establish God as more than enough, as the Rock whose work is perfect and ways are just – a “God of faithfulness and without iniquity” (Deuteronomy 32:4) whose steadfast love and faithfulness goes before Him (Psalm 89:14).

As such, if we want to believe in God, then we must accept absolute good as only possible through perfect love (I.e. The Trinity) which God not only possesses but fully embodies. Conversely, we must accept this reality isn’t possible within our self-centered bias and without a reliance on a higher authority. In essence, if we want to broach this question, we must assess our relationship to the supreme governance we’re taking into question. Remember relativism in a vacuum isn’t the problem; it’s the fact many have inverted relativism and absolutism with self being the standard setter, in turn, replacing faith with entitlement. Give me someone who doesn’t under the existence of suffering and I’ll show you one who doesn’t understand faith, hope, the divine and our relationship to it, etc.

But enough of the theological and philosophical mumbo-jumbo. I know most of you reading this understand all this. I’m just sayin’ if we want to address this inquiry, we must start with who God is…every time. Even if our inventory is nothing more than a refresher, the infinite layers of God’s greatness are worth pondering.

Back to the initial question: Why does God show His hand and seems to withhold it in some situations?

While there is truly an element of mystery within our quest to understand, the short and skinny is in Scripture. If we fuse a string from Paul’s letters, we find the God who works all things AND holds them together, intends all things for our good. Why should a man not complain about the consequences of sin? Why does God not always intervene to quench chaos, crisis, and calamity? That answer is in one word…His Word!

The way I think of it: The Creator of all things is always creating ways for people to find Him which includes the testimony of those who cling to Jesus. As for walking on the paths God sets, this requires responsibility and full reliance. Without them, one cannot find God within the grand scheme unfolding, let alone how He can redeem the effects of fallenness for His glory.

For Lys and I, while we’re decent people whose hearts are often in the right place, at the end of the day, we aren’t detached from the ultimate consequence of sin, which is death. Still…

  • By way of the Cross, we know our eternal home, security, and perspective regarding our freedom.
  • By way of restoration, we know healing and recovery.
  • By way of sanctification, we know suffering has a place as we discover God and mature into His likeness.

Accordingly, we believe the same God who gave us free will to choose Him is the same God who elects to choose how His power will manifest, even if the display isn’t synonymous with our initial expectation. Now, I know this statement can be frustrating for some. It’s certainly not my heart to dilute this discussion into a binary equation.

That said, the truth always bears repeating:

Just as God is infinite, so are the ways His power and grace can evince within His sovereignty.

Since God is perpetual love which covers everything from His omniscience to our purpose, we have every reason to trust that His perfect will…will…be done, not only when we’re tested, but especially so.

Put another way, God being mighty to save does not imply He will always save in accordance with our immediate best interest. Rather, the attribute speaks to God’s relentless pursuit of our hearts as One who saved and still saves today. At any given point, God is sowing within the tapestry of where our responsibility (to pray, abide, trust, etc.) and His sovereignty collide. And while it’s human to crave the majestic aspect here wonder working power is imminent, the origin is first and foremost internal. In this way, whether God allows an external match or withholds it, the result can go beyond us into tomorrow, the next and next door, and so forth.

In closing, I lift a victorious fist. Glory to God the road isn’t smooth sailing and compels us to come together amidst our discomfort. Glory to God the Scriptures can come alive as we depend on the Father the same Jesus modeled for us. And glory to God hope and compassion can spring to the forefront as we demonstrate truth to a decaying world.

Remember the earth is God’s footstool and it comes with daily prompts to look up and know He’s in control even our lives seem out of it.

‘Tis why we often say you got this and keep going. Even when the days are dark, He’ll keep the light on one way or another.

#Selah #noregrets …

Graphic creds: Desiring God

Mourning Glory: Hoping in the Midst of Grief (Part 3)

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For the first time in this series’ history, I’m writing a post to compliment parts 1 and 2 linked above. After encountering a revelation deluge during a sultry late summer run last weekend, I figured integrating these points into this episode made sense.

If you’re checking in for the first time, our goal with ‘Mourning Glory’ is to learn what the Bible says about grief and how to channel mourning into giving God all the glory. In many ways, these posts capture the journey Lys and I have been on this year. We hope these truths minister to your heart regardless of your circumstances.

1) Finding grief in the account of the 12 spies (Numbers 13)

Whether or not we realize it, there’s a piece of us internally during seasons of healing, recovery, and intense grieving looking to scout and assess where we are. Since we almost always need something to anticipate, our idea of ‘Promised Land’ generally becomes the ultimate source of hope (on earth edition). The million-dollar question is: What is our ‘Promised Land’ and how are we getting there?

To answer this question, we have to know what constitutes the giants in our life – what constitutes the Nephilim, and God’s role in the entire operation. For most, we’ve misappropriated our grief within the analogy. We think the giant in the room is the heartbreak, depression, whatever is causing us pain/hurt, etc. However, I submit…

Your pain isn’t the giant in the room. Perhaps an elephant but not a giant. The giant in the room is any toleration or stronghold that keeps us from pressing through…by faith – anything that keeps us stagnant as we walk through hell and/or keeps us from wrestling with God the way Jacob did with the man in Genesis 32. 

Put another way, the giants in our lives are tolerated strongholds/sins and negative behavior patterns we use as coping mechanisms and bartering tools to maintain any sense of satisfaction. Tangentially, wrestling with God is how we conquer them and should not be considered optional in our journey to the Promised Land.

Speaking of Promised Land, what is it in the grand scheme of grieving, mourning, and journeying through pain/suffering? I think for most, we assume this represents a graduation, the proof of having healed and moved on. The problem is: If we abide by this perspective, then we limit victory as only realized once we’ve crossed a ‘finish line’, even if it’s one we can’t define it.

If we’re to correct from this mindset, we have to adjust the past vs. participle dichotomy within our thinking. For instance, while many view breakthrough as a binary function (I.e. you’re healed or not healed, moved on or haven’t moved on), the truth is: 

We’ve already been set free and as such, can discover our new creation identity on top of our ‘loved by God’ identity day by day.

While the Word says we’ve been purchased at a price, this doesn’t mean we’re going to hit a point in this life when we’re officially complete. In the context of fullness, we’re never going to be complete. We’re never going to be perfect; however, we can still pursue it as being perfected (Matthew 5:48).

Why does this matter? Because we can live and heal without the burden of feeling far from an end goal when the goal is Jesus and He’s never far away!

God is everything and as such, can’t be detached from the Promised Land we’re seeking. Accordingly, don’t forsake or undermine His oasis presence as you journey but receive Who is He as what sustains you and maintains momentum. Walking with us through the valleys and shadows of life implies motion; however, we can’t self-effort that motion (and e-motion for that matter) in a way that leads to where we want to go. This is one of the main reasons why it took the Israelites 40 years to journey through the wilderness.

The Promised Land is multi-dimensional. Although you can experience a part of it through Christ alone, you may still feel far from victory, or should I say the evidence of victory (I.e. being around a group of people that have historically misunderstood you, being in the same space where at one point you experienced trauma in some capacity). Certainly, we can’t embrace strength and courage without abiding by the Spirit and trusting in God’s sovereignty.

For now, I encourage you not to make certain people and circumstances the enemy, as the giants in the room. They are not worth the negative empowerment at the cost of your distrust. Rather, if you want to view your grief as a race, bring God into every leg of it. If it’s a journey, bring Him along as if He’s in your backpack, fanny pack, whatever. The joy in walking with Jesus is you’re being changed, perfected, and nurtured day-by-day. God isn’t just at the finish line waiting for you. He’s with you through the grieving/mourning process ready to share fresh facets of His nature you couldn’t have known had you not gone through the pain, hardship, etc. Hence, why we should see suffering as a gift more than anything else. 

2) Finding grief in the account of Jacob’s wrestling with God (Genesis 32)

In this chapter, Jacob is looking for favor in the heat of stress and anxiety. Not only does he feel the betrayal from Laban, but the wrath from Esau, caught up in a bizarre series of deceptions with his life on the line. Like the griever, he’s desperate for assurance and blessing, the realization of comfort and God being for him, not against him. This sets the stage for the wrestling with ‘the man’ (v. 24 ), a beautiful picture of how we should cling to Jesus when we’re suffering and in some cases, grieving on the backend of loss.

Think about it: Jacob had everything to gain tackling His Lord. The cost set before him, he was determined to be take hold of his inheritance relative to his identity despite a side effect in the most literal sense. And it’s here where my imagination has been captured of late.

In the heat of the moment, despite his mourning and discomfort, Jacob never let go…not only to the glory of God but for the sake of never walking the same way again.

As Jacob portrays, wrestling with God is an intimate experience. While it can be uncomfortable, the reality of pain being a gift can triumph through rest knowing we have a default way to react when something goes wrong. I’m telling you, my friends, this is the power and significance of the limp and why we should embrace it as we journey in unity, contend in hope, and help others in need.

Just as we limp when a bone is out of joint to protect us from further damage, we limp when we lose a beloved person and/or experience a significant life change. While limps come in various shapes, sizes, and severities, when we grieve the right way, our inner man is declaring ‘I need Jesus’/’I need my brokenness aligned amidst a broken world‘ . Conversely, when we grieve the wrong way, we declare the injustice is with God Himself and/or the specific people and strongholds involved in the situation that may be fueling the grief.

Therefore, we can take joy when we consider our grief/mourning in the construct of Genesis 32 knowing pain can help us not only reach for Jesus, but see Him reflected in what we’re going through, our limp an always present reality keeping us humble and hopeful along the way. 

In closing, I charge you, brothers and sisters, to grieve in hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13) knowing…

And even if you feel you can’t, that’s okay. For in your weakness, He is strong and in your vulnerability shine all the more brightly through saints and providence alike. While more content on this topic will eventually follow, for now, as I always say in bidding adieu…

Selah.

Cover photo creds: Bing Wallpapers HD

Right Up My Aili: The Final Small Fry (Part 1)

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It’s another sultry evening in west Nash as I type this. I don’t speak on my behalf when I say I’m glad recent storms have finally subsided.

For most of you reading this, you know how much I love storms. When I’m in one, I’m one step closer to awe – one step closer to life making more sense. After all, the winds within are never far away.

Of course, you wouldn’t know it given the script of 2023’s first half, a stretch in which the theme of forced rest amidst evolving pursuits have re-emerged. While the in-house volume has emphatically increased, in several areas of life, Lys and I have been forced to mute the noise to maintain heading.

And so it is, I pen this post during the last normal weekend for the foreseeable future. Houston, start down the countdown. We’re less than six days away from the final small Fry making her arrival.

While much attention this year has been given to the Juby Journey book, occasionally, it helps to zoom out to 20,000 feet and refresh a different page. Personally, I find the practice not just helpful but vital – a necessity during such disorienting days.

This dichotomy, man. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever felt and likely will ever feel again.

On one hand, the grief of losing Juby last September has finally started to subside. Slowly but surely, Lys and I are getting there though as I’ve said before: You can’t ever quantity a journey through grief and its cycles. You can only paint a picture through watercolor language. Even then, you’re talking about a mere speck on a 10′ x 10′ canvas of emotions. We’re moving in the right direction – an oasis there, a ray of sun there. Maybe someday, we’ll be out of the woods for good.

On the other, you have the anticipation of Aili, a golden surprise in what has been the smoothest pregnancy by a wide margin. Such a sweet kiss from the Lord as part of a redemptive narrative unfolding. Who would have guessed it based on what happened two years ago around this time?

Still, when you lose a child, you’re never the same again. And you certainly feel the rift when joyous occasions are on the horizon. As Lys and I shared in our Vandy grief support group in April, when you go through something like what we did last year, an organic strengthening occurs when perseverance is compelled to a life on the lines, when hope is forced to the end of its rope. Eventually, there are moments when the despondency softens and you realize you’ve made strides in becoming the person you’ve always wanted to be.

But there is a cost, one tracing back to that same hope ironically enough. While endurance may have fortified your faith, your capacity to positively anticipate is broken, at least bent. And it’s here where the bizarre paradox starts to unveil. Yes, you’re grateful for the forging through fire. Still, you can’t help but wonder why so many shades of happiness are gone. Perhaps they’ve melded into scars and the only possible way to sense them is through the prelude of thanksgiving?

Whatever the case, while eager enthusiasm is much harder to come by, our desire to look up and receive fresh perspective remains at ease. Take it from the battle-tested: All those sermons about intentionality in referencing God, I’m telling you…they aren’t Sunday morning fluff. At some point, you grow up and realize there is no other way to find those morsels of encouragement. Sometimes, all you can do is pray. And that’s okay.

As for Lys and I, we’re doing what we’ve been doing for so long now – one day at a time, one hour at a time, keeping hearts transparent and lifelines secure. To be honest, I feel a tad guilty – I probably should be more excited about Aili’s arrival on Friday. The last time one of our own came into the world, there was so much chaos and hostility. Forgive me, Lord, I’m just a weak man walking on the sea. I believe in You and yet reserve my joy to seeing the evidence of health without compromise, your breath in her lungs as we pour out our praise. At this point, I don’t contend for normality but vibrancy in abundance. Hence, why Aili is the name we’re going with. In dark depths, when shadows are at their most opaque, there’s a bright, shining light in our midst reminding us He’s there looking out for us.

As for life itself, the internal knots will eventually unwind and streams once abandoned will be returned to. God knows what we’ve had to release in the short term and why. Certainly, where the help has and hasn’t occurred this year has been telling. Like a weather vane turning in slow motion, the signs aren’t lost on me. Glory to God, He speaks through and to voids, even ones unauthorized, to reach us with what only He can provide.

Yet, despite the mysteries and unknowns, what I can say is this: While the heart is weak and willing, as far as it be with us, we will relish the ride. Even as we pass through the turnstile of significant dates, August 21 and September 18, most notably, you can bet the joy set before Him, along with the cost, will be counted. Even though we feel trapped in a parallel universe, far removed from our intended plotline, our trust will remain anchored, our times in His hands.

We got this ’cause He had it first. May it be.

Until then, selah and know…

Graphic creds: Tenor; HD Wallpaper