Tag: truth

3 Ways to Overcome a Fear of Rejection

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No doubt, we all burn to belong.

Makes sense…considering we were made for relationship…to put on love and commune in harmony (Romans 12:16; 1 Corinthians 1:10, Colossians 3:14).

But let’s be honest…such desires aren’t always realized, are they.

Relocations…busyness…life changes…even the walls we put up…cycle through as hindrances interfering with our need to find unity in community.

Yet, perhaps the greatest obstacle we face when we talk about healthy relationships is the fear of rejection1.

Now, I admit: I’m still progressing through my own set of relational insecurities. But while I may have much to learn, I’ve also grown a great deal having persevered through idolatrous pursuits of acceptance in my early 20’s , in addition to recent challenges as a bivocational minister.

So when I say a fear of rejection is one of the most paralyzing strongholds, you can take my word to the bank.

As far as dealing with this fear type, you’ve probably heard much on the topic already.

Yet, for bivocationals juggling multiple responsibilities on the fly, it’s worth re-emphasizing given fear’s tendency to find its way on the backburner.

Thus, in the spirit of stirring awareness, here are three practical ways to conquer a fear of rejection:

1) Own it. 

Statistics show the vast majority of what people worry about is either vain (false reality) or beyond their control (false expectations). In most cases, we fear once we sense a loss of control on a desirable outcome. For example, we want people to like us, but find we lack “chemistry”. We want to be living our dream, but find our reality is far from it. We want to reap securities, but find all we have is fractured hope.

No question, the chasms are real; however, this doesn’t mean we’re chained to them until the bridge forms. Why? Because it’s only when we relinquish our lust for control we start to conquer our fears.

So next time you find yourself fearing rejection, questioning your fit, place, image, safety..or that of a loved one, own it, surrender the stress, pray the Word, embrace self-control, and faint not.

2) Reject it.

Sometimes, we treat fear like a giant game of dodgeball. We think if we can just finagle through life without getting hit, then we’ll be okay. The problem with this idea is…at some point, you will get hit, if not with the fear, then the temptation of it.

The best way to combat fear, especially the fear of rejection, is to value what equips you. ‘Cause when you realize you have what it takes to overcome, you won’t hesitate to stand your ground when the dodgeballs start flyin’, not to mention you’ll be in position to catch and dispatch them.

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Just remember: When a fear of rejection is elevated to the point of dodging certain people and situations, you’re ultimately giving it the power to manipulate your emotions and decisions. Instead, why not dare to be a conqueror (Romans 8:37) and reject fear rather than let fear do the rejecting2?

 3) Replace it.

Perhaps one of the most misinterpreted passages in all of Scripture is 1 Peter 4:8: “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” At first glance, we may think Peter is suggesting love cancels out certain offenses; however, when we dissect the text, we find love, in this context, is a covering, more specifically…an opportunity for us to confront3, forgive, and press on in love-soaked honesty.

How does this apply to a fear of rejection? Well, for starters, the opposite of love is fear (not hate). Furthermore, love must speak truth (Ephesians 4:15) and requires action with respect to sin. Thus, if we value honesty as the first step of love4 and recognize fear as a reciprocating response, then we’ll realize how a) a fear of rejection numbs us to what we were created for5   and b) the absence of fear is not the endgame, but rather the beginning!

In other words, if you want to move on the right way, but are still burdened by a fear of rejection, don’t just recognize and renounce it. Rather, take the next step and ask God specifically how He wants you to replace it!

‘Cause when you do, you’ll not only discover a new commitment to communicate the truth in love, but also unlock a stronger fear of Him6.   

Footnotes

1) Note: Initially, I had planned to write this piece on the fears of rejection and mediocrity; however, I’ve since decided to split this up into two parts, with today’s discussion focusing on the fear of rejection and next week’s feature on the fear of mediocrity.

2) There’s basically two responses to fear: “Forget everything and run” or “Face everything and rise”

3) …without taking offense

4) Inspired by Steve Fry’s sermon at The Gate Community Church on Sunday, May 31

5) Seriously…what sense does it make to forfeit even the potential for relational restoration and/or clarity in exchange for passive living, isolation, guilt, and dissatisfaction.

6) As honesty abounds, you’ll find a fear of rejection will confound.

Photo credits: shifttohappy.com

4 Truths For When You Feel Purposeless

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Have you ever wondered what to do when you feel like you’re not making a difference? When you’re striving to find meaning on the conveyor belt of life?

Perhaps you’ve questioned whether or not your life’s present lines up with your purpose…if you’re on the right path with the right people.

If you have, then congratulations! You’re absolutely, positively human.

Granted, such questions contain universal relevance; however, it’s still important to know how to answer them when they surface.

‘Cause truth is: The bivocational life can feel like is a jungle…with doubt, a quicksand of the mind. But with the Word in hand along with the proper tools, even the toughest terrain can be ‘macheted’ through1.

So ultimately, this lesson is as much preparation as it is exploration.

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As I’ve mentioned before, I’m not a fan of my day job.

How I’m wired, what fuels me, what I’m aiming for…couldn’t be further from my current occupational residency.

Not to mention, I work in an environment where I’m like a modern David running away from a bunch of Saul’s with spears in their hands1.

You talk about not feeling like you make a difference. Let’s just say I’m there.

However…this doesn’t mean my place at my job is a mistake (as I’ll later address next month).

Rather, it simply means I’ve bought into the following truths…

1) God has a flawless purpose for everyone…

Scriptures: Jeremiah 29:11, Romans 8:28, Proverbs 16:9, Isaiah 58:11 

2) Some seasons are supposed to be ridiculously challenging…

Scriptures: Psalm 66:10, Zechariah 13:9, Romans 9:21, Isaiah 64:8

3) Being stretched beyond bandwidth is best seen as a compliment from God…

Scriptures: 1 Corinthians 10:13, 2 Corinthians 9:8, Hebrews 12:6, James 1:2-4, Romans 5:1-5

4) Our identity isn’t rooted in what we do.

Scriptures: John 1:12, Ephesians 1:5, Genesis 1:27, Jeremiah 1:5, 1 Peter 2:9

Thus, we don’t have to accept the chains our circumstances offer us. We don’t have to live in trepidation just because of someone’s sick prejudice. And we don’t have to waste our breath grilling God for mispositioning us when we can anchor our trust in the fact He always knows what He’s doing.

Why? ‘Cause trust is not dependent on having the answers; it’s dependent on believing the one Who does.

And I’m telling you, friends…when you remove entitlement from the equation3, there’s no doubt in my mind you will see differently.

So be encouraged to embrace God’s sovereignty and marinate in His faithfulness.

lzimmerman03‘Cause when you do, you’ll not only defeat deceptive feelings of purposelessness, but you’ll also discover the ways you can make a difference and leave a legacy even in the deserts and wildernesses of life. Furthermore, you’ll cultivate greater steadfastness in the face of temptation, especially the desire to prematurely quit4.

So if you’re strugglin’ today feeling worthless, stuck in the mud or frozen at a crossroads in zero visibility…faint not (Galatians 6:9), resist vain comparisons (Galatians 5:26)…and know the indescribable has made you indescribably.

Stay tuned next time when we’ll tackle our second question: How do you cope with the fears of rejection and mediocrity?

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Footnotes

1) We can’t control the setting we’re in, but we can control how we ready ourselves and respond in the wake of discouragement

2) Nothing like people conspiring against you to test the depth of your character

3) When you abandon the “right” to understand the way you see fit

4) For all you bivocationals out there…this is arguably the greatest lesson we can learn outside the two greatest commandments

Photo credits: ignant.de & finemind.com

Why We Need Vulnerability in Bivocational Ministry

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Have you ever wondered what to do when you feel stuck and misunderstood at the same time?

I know I have.

In fact, it’s hard to remember a week when I haven’t thought about this at least once.

After all, when we talk about persevering through our purpose, no doubt, the topic holds perpetual relevance.

But for the bivocational who feel their life is like the Truman Show & Groundhog’s Day had a baby, sometimes truisms aren’t enough.

Not to sound blasphemous or anything. I just know for people like me, it helps when I’m able to  voice the struggles that come with the territory…and partner with people in troubleshooting their quandaries.

Thus, if any of you can relate…let’s just say you’ve come to the right place.

Bible_and_mouse_9605814_ml_1_RGBBefore His Girl Fryday launched, Lyssah and I did some research on bivocational issues and noted plenty of materials concerning the benefits of “bivocational ministry”; however, when it came to the challenges, we noticed a startling lack of content.

So in the days following, we asked ourselves some hard-hitting questions…

…like what makes the “cost of bivocational ministry” a taboo topic…

…and why do some avoid confronting the truth when it seems to lack appeal?

After taking time to drill down, we realized:

The #1 thing bivocational ministers crave above all else is encouragement; hence, why so much content caters to this particular need.

However…

Bivocational ministers in hope of inspiration often stiff-arm opportunities capable of better equipping them for adversity.

Granted, it’s completely human to want edification; however, as bivocational ambassadors, we must realize we’re not called to manufacture floatation devices when storms come. ‘Cause truth is, if we want to walk in true freedom, we must get real about our struggles as opposed to tuning them out*.

And hear me…I get how easy it can be to rely on personal strength and distractions when we sense hopelessness knocking on our door.

Yet, it’s at that point we must embrace what we were ultimately designed for (i.e. accountability, intimacy, endurance, community, etc) to see and live the whole truth as God intended.

So while I’m all about encouragement and inspiration, I’m also aware we must be fearless in addressing the deep, dark closet spaces of our hearts.

Thus, in the coming weeks, we’re going to “de-taboo” some of life’s most complex questions…like…

  • What do you do when you feel like you’re not making a difference?
  • How do you respond when your authorities persecute you?
  • How do you cope with the fears of rejection and mediocrity?
  • What do you do when you feel old rejections are holding you back?
  • What do you do when you’re in the right place, but can’t connect relationally?
  • What do you do when you doubt God’s plan…and all you want to do is give up?

Of course, these questions only represent the tip of the iceberg.

Yet, as we tackle these issues, it’s my hope we not only discover the beauty in being bivocational but also the power that comes when we embrace the cost.

So in closing, I encourage you to ask yourself: Are you willing to let go of anything not God for the sake of trusting Him every step of the way?

In the meantime, stay tuned for a new post next week when we address our first question: What do you do when you feel like you’re not making a difference?

Fighting the good fight,

~ Cameron

Footnotes

*Trust me…I’ve tried self-medicating many different ways. It never works.

Photo credits: revivingthesoul.com & synergyforministry.org

Coping With the “Part-Time Perception” (Part 3)

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Last time, we talked about the second way a pastor can shatter the ‘part-time’ stereotype without compromise.

Today, we’re going to discuss the next segment in our stirring series, specifically how bivocational ministers can model efficient time management skills to church members and staff, using their part-time status as an efficient template.

Let’s be honest: It’s pretty easy to compartmentalize, whether it’s with our time, beliefs, values and/or emotions.

However, I believe most people (myself included) tend to over-compartamentalize, no doubt, a byproduct of increased distraction and distress in the time we live in.

How does this relate to the bivocational minister?

Well, let’s just say I’ve been around long enough to know what a “church game-face” looks like. And by ‘church game-face’, I mean one who sets up a wall between what happens inside and outside the church.

Granted, there’s a time to be silent and keep our wrestlings between ourselves and God. But I think it’s easy to underestimate the value in being vulnerable with the real world challenges we deal with on a daily basis.

And I think for the bivocational minister, the constant switching of gears between day job and life calling can take its toll if the opportunity to model efficient time management to fellow leaders is missed.

Thus, I submit as ministers and pastors in the body of Christ, we pursue intentionality in sharing our lives outside of church. Whether it’s a one-on-one coffee date, a post-staff meeting conversation or (dare I say) making time to actually call someone up…I contend being transparent about the ups and downs of our lives can go a long way in encouraging people where they’re at.

Why, you might ask?

Because the majority of life is experienced outside the church. And if the function of the church is to equip the saints through radical engagement with Christ, why would it make sense to “silo” the evidence of it outside the church? For we’re called to be consistently faithful, persistently perseverant and patience in well-doing (Romans 2:7), not just in the easy places, but in every setting!

Thus, if you’re a pastor or minister who spends more time in-church than out, I highly encourage you to reevaluate your priorities…and perhaps your missional pillars while you’re at it. For whatever we contend with inside church walls is only to grow the body of Christ as effective disciple-makers…in spreading the hope of glory outside them.

And true me…I know it’s easy to think ‘part-time’ is worse than ‘full-time’. I know because I’ve been one for the past five years. It can be especially challenging when you work with people who treat or view you differently simply because you don’t have the same amount of time to invest onsite.

Nevertheless, if you’re a volunteer leader, it’s imperative to not only think differently, but to value what God has called us to outside the church in an evident way.

And perhaps you’re like me and feel your day job is nothing to be proud of. Or maybe you’re burdened by your occupation’s transient tendencies. My encouragement to you is simple: don’t quit. Don’t ever let discouragement hinder you from being a light amidst the daily grind. Because not only does the real world need to experience the hope of Gospel love in the marketplace, but your fellow staff members at church need to hear about it! They need to be let in on the unique narrative being authored within you.

‘Cause truth is: when we remove the veil that separates the work of God in our lives outside the church, we allow ourselves to better edify the rest of the body inside the church.

Next time, we’ll discuss communicational strategies that can help a bivocational minister stay better connected to his/her local congregation.

Cover photo from YouthMinistry360 

Setting Boundaries in Bivocational Ministry (Part 2)

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In part 1 of this series, we talked about the importance of intentional boundary-setting in ministry.

Today, we’re going to explore the difference between walls and boundaries…and begin an introductory discussion on how pastors can effectively establish these boundaries (whether personal, ethical or relational).

Let’s face it: You like being a mystery…camouflaging into an absorbed agenda…hidden behind the veil of an appointed title.

I know I do.

Granted, there are times when a desire for transparency wins me over.

But for the most part, I like the security of knowing I’m not easily decipherable. Just being honest.

Now, irony aside, you can tell I’m being conspicuous about my preference of being the exact opposite.

Yet, chances are, you’ve read this mail before and would, thus, diagnosis this as a wall-setting mindset (as opposed to a boundary-setting one).

However, not all cases are so conveniently cracked.

Why? Because it can be very challenging to discern the right ministerial boundaries, especially in an entitled era saturated with accessible information and self-centered tendencies.

But before we get too deep on the grey side (cough, social media, cough) of the issue, let’s first define the difference between a wall and a boundary.

When we talk about a boundary, we’re talking about a necessary limitation as authorized by God for us to employ. For instance, a true boundary protects us from idolatry, poor time management and relational drama…just to name a few.

And while it may be easy to think of boundaries in terms of protection, I believe they’re better considered as a means of stewardship. As the Bible clearly states (1 Corinthians 4:2, Titus 1:7-9, Matthew 25:20-21), God desires us to be faithful stewards of the time and resources He’s given us. So as ministers, it’s important to be fair and consistent in unbiased service and attention. This doesn’t mean you treat every counseling appointment as a timed therapy session or keep a ledger on every encouraging word that comes out of your mouth. Fact is: some people require more energy and love than others…and that’s okay. At any rate, when we’re plugged into God’s input, we’ll find all the help we need to enforce the right checks at the right time.

On the flip side, when we talk about a wall, we’re talking about an unnecessary blockade, often initiated by a stronghold (whether fear, anger, bitterness, guilt, etc.). Ironically, with walls, many are set up to draw (pun intended) attention…to inspire someone to come along and make an attempt to climb them (hello, manipulation); however, the problem with walls is they don’t constructively confront the issue, but rather take people further away from where God intended them to be. With this in mind, it’s not hard to see how walls are manufactured means to self-protection and, thus, not authorized by God.

So clearly, the goal is to establish boundaries (not walls) around our personal, ethical and relational commitments. Fair enough, right?

Well, not so fast, young padawan.

Doing so requires strategy, not to mention a continued posture of submission.

As mentioned in my last post, valuing boundaries starts with valuing the ways of God. And while it may be hard for people to wrap their heads around what God did on the seventh day, it’s nevertheless an imperative part of the boundary-setting process.

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‘Cause truth is: once we start to embrace rest as a key essential in our daily lives (yes, I said “daily”), only then will we want to lay boundaries out of a place of stewardship, as opposed to fear; only then, will be begin to see how removing the walls in our lives can create the space and initiate the desire to better foster what God has given us.

So as you finish off the week, I encourage you to examine the walls in your life. Ask yourself: In what places of my heart are walls set up? What inspired them…and what steps do I need to take to conquer term? Also, in what ways can my boundary-setting be more defined?

Then, after asking the Lord to break off the walls in your life…invite Him to replace them with the appropriate boundary and strategy. If you need to reconcile? Do it. If you need to forgive someone who has wronged you? Do it. If you need take a leap and go out of your way to bless another through a random act of kindness or word of encouragement? Do it.

‘Cause at the end of the day, setting boundaries is all about making God’s priorities, your priorities…about making His the heart the one you want people to see.

So here’s to holy boundary-setting & cheers to the glorious journey ahead…